Rants

France and the French

I don't really hate the French. I just don't like them. I do think that they are arrogant, cowardly, anti-semetic, racist, and smug. Well, maybe I hate them a little bit. I feel bad for them though, since some Frenchmen are actually sort of cool, like the Marquis de Lafayette, but for the most part, Frenchness is sort of like a genetic defect that makes people into assholes.

If I should ever visit France, I know I would be the ugliest ugly American ever to walk the Earth. Here's what my fantasy vacation to France would be like:

  1. Learning the Language
    Berlitz can kiss my ass, everyone should speak English. Actually, I think the French already do speak English, they just invented the French language in order to screw with our heads. Anyone who's tried to figure out how count in French should know where I'm coming from.

    No, if you're going to learn a language in order to get around in France, you need to learn German. Let me tell you, nothing gets their attention more than a few choice German phrases. Try these out and see what happens:

    Wo ist der Biergarten? Where is the beer garden?
    Wo ist dein Ausweispapiere? Where are your papers? (not Where is your ass-wipe paper?)
    Ausgangssperre ist zehn Uhr. Curfew is at 10 o'clock
    Du kennst Klaus Barbie? Do you know Klaus Barbie?
    Then just remind them that if it weren't for us, they'd still be toadying to the Germans.

  2. Sightseeing
    When I go to the Eiffel Tower, I'm bringing a Big Mac and a super-sized Coke to the top and eating them right there. I won't give a shit if I get dirty looks from any French people. I'd simply remind them that the Maginot Line might as well have been made of toilet paper and that their country took less time to be conquered than Poland. At least the Poles put up a fight, even if they were dumb (sending horse cavalry up against tanks?).

  3. Dining
    Many people would tell me, "Ah, but you are in France! You must enjoy the fine French cuisine!" Screw that. French food is nothing but frogs and snails and other things they find in swamps. I prefer fried chicken and ribs, thank you very much. And chilli. I love chilli.

  4. The people
    Actually, I would plan to avoid contact with French people as much as I can while I'm there. I'll stay at one of those resorts that cater to foreigners and keeps the locals out, like they have in Mexico and Jamaica. Then I could hang out with other Americans, as well as the English and Germans. I'll say this about the English and Germans: they know how to use soap.

    Now that I'm in a mood to muse, that chick in the movie "Amelie" is really, really hot. I'll make an exception for her. And maybe Laeticia Casta. But then I draw the line.

The bottom line is that the United States is the greatest country in the world. I mean, we have it all: a telephone system that actually works, thousands of radio and television stations as well as satellite TV showing everything from midget porn to ultimate fighting, and exotic prostitutes from all over the world who come here to live the American Dream.

You see, there's no such thing as the French Dream. That's why France sucks. If you're French and reading this, instead of feeling all offended and shit, you need to come here to America, let the scales fall from your eyes, and live a little. Pretty soon, you'll drop the stupid accent and learn to appreciate the wonders of moonshine, NASCAR racing, and bolo ties.

This page was last modified 14 February 2004
These opinions are my own, and if you don't like them, you can kiss my red white and blue American ass. Or, you can email me at rglovejoy@prtc.net